At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So. Much. Porn.
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