I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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