i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
whose parrot is this?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
