Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
