i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
