He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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