My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
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