There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
