ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
