And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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