just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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