I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
