She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
