I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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