That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Congratulations! We have a period
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
