In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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