This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
someone owes me an orgasm
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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