where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
