Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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