she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
