I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize