have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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