Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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