I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
