wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
