Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
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It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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