i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
