I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
