Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
