I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
