I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
