I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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