i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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