I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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