Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
