so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
