I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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