Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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