I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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