Will you blow on my dice?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
