If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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