brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
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My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
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She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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