Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
