My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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