M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
