They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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