I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
