All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I have aggressive nipples.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
