It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
