you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize