An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
