hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
