So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
