The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
