I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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