Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
