remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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