I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
