i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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