1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
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so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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