Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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